Wife Rule #131

If you are going to shave your beard, get a haircut at the same time.

I have had a beard for 4 years, but this past friday I shaved it off for a costume party. Since I knew my wife would be distraught over the loss of my beard, and does not like it when I get my hair cut, I figured that doing both at once would minimize the impact.

And I was right! My wife was so upset over my shaving that she did not notice my haircut until the next day. And because the loss of the beard was the bigger tragedy the haircut I got away with it.

For the most part...

Wife Rule #55 Revisit

Even if your wife does not like public displays of affection, sometimes a little PDA can go the long way.

My wife does not like PDA. She does not like it when she experiences it and she does not like it when she observes it.

Frequently when I have tried to express my affection for her in a public place I have gotten shot down.

But occasionally, I have hit the PDA jackpot. For whatever reason: the position of the moon, the proper alignment of the stars, a brief prayer that got answered, I have gotten acceptable PDA in.

If you stick the landing on PDA in a classy way sometimes it will evolve in the, "hey we should go home" look.

Wife Rule #130 - The Alvin Rule

Generally, I would discourage calling your significant other a shrew, particularly if she has asked you not to.

My friend Alvin and I went with our significant others to go see a local production of Taming of the Shrew. I made several jokes about my wife being akin to the titular character, which Alvin found amusing. In fairness my wife took my gentle prodding with good grace and gave as good as she got during the conversation.

Later, my wife got annoyed by the comparison and so I had to change course in order maintain the pleasantness of the evening.

So be care with this term. It is never flattering and if it is not done in the right context and with restraint it can lead to harm even if was not intentional.

Wife Rule #54 Revisit

It is the little things, like making the bed just how she likes it, that make a long term positive impact on your marriage

My wife is very particular about her covers. She just does not sleep well unless they are perfect. Most of the time, she will just deal with her covered being less than ideal when we are at home, but she is never truly happy with the covers situation unless we are traveling.

The reason being that she loves the tightly tucked in covers at hotels.

So one night I was making the bed and I decided to tuck the covers in and surprise her.

She was happy and so I was happy.

It is these little things make help make a marriage last.

Wife Rule #53 Revisit

Sometimes doing everything wrong can lead to you doing something right, if you are doing all of the wrong things in jest and she knows that you are just kidding.

The day that I posted the blog was terrible. I could not as or do the right thing to save my life. Everything I said was poorly thought out or just unintentionally mean. And whenever I tried to do something to make it better each thing I tried just went badly as well.

I burnt dinner, I got the wrong drinks, I made the wrong food, I washed the wrong clothes, etc.

So I gave up.

And I started doing what I thought was the wrong things on purpose. Turns out that it was the best decision that I made all day. Partly because my wife knew I was having a rough day and partly because I started having fun with this bad day, my wife and I just cracked ourselves up all night.

What started out awful turned out wonderful. It is amazing what a little creativity and a good attitude can do.

Wife Rule #52 Revisit

Calling your wife a "slug" is never a good idea. If she has a preferable family term like "queen of the dinks" use that instead.

Getting my wife out of bed in the morning is like trying to pry apart something that has been glued with superglue.

So one morning when we were running late I said in exasperation: "Get out of bed, you are such a slug."

The covers flew off and she got out of bed and glared at me.

She went into the bathroom and started getting ready with out saying anything and blowing by my attempt to kiss her.

She was very quiet until we got into the car. Then she looked over at me and said "I am not a slug, I am the queen of the dinks".

Then I understood, she knew that she needed to get up and my pestering had just put her in a bad mood. Calling her a slug has just been the last straw.

She would have gotten up minimally grumpy had I called her queen of the dinks because that was what her parents called her.

Wife Rule #51 Revisit

You're right is possibly to most romantic thing you can say to your wife.

OK guys this is a tough one to swallow.

As a rule, guys are very proud, so when our wives are right about something it is our instinct to mumble something and walk away without ever truly acknowledging that our wives were right.

The funny thing is that we are trying to be proud at the expense of the one person in our lives that is not going to attack us if we are open and vulnerable with them.

Sure my wife may gloat, and ask me to repeat that she was right a few times. But if you do it with good humor, you just might get a reward that can relegate the discomfort of your damaged ego to an afterthought.

Wife Rule #50 Revisit

When she wants to post a status on your facebook the answer is yes.

This is one of those exploring new boundaries things.

My wife wanted to post on my Facebook for the first time, so I questioned her on what it would be about.

Which was the wrong thing to do. I should have trusted her to make a post for me.

Her post was going to be "I love my wife".

It turned into "I'm an idiot"

Wife Rule #49 Revisit

If you are going to use a picture to advertise your blog that is about your relationship with your wife, ask what picture she wants used.

My wife and I have different ideas of what pictures make her look best.

When I selected a picture to put on Facebook to advertise my blog I did not consult her.

She saw the picture when she was on a break at work and gave a call demanding that I take the current picture down and wait until I consulted her before I put one back up.

Fortunately, no one really read my blog at that point so I was able to smooth things over, but if you are going to use your wife as part of an advertising campaign ask her which one she wants you to use.

Wife Rule #48 Revisit

Follow up to Wife Rule #47: If you "win" the passionate argument and your wife has to do something that she does not want to do, help her do it but let her do it her way.

This fight must have been about laundry!

My wife and I both hate doing laundry, but I think that it was my wife's turn. She probably had a rough day at work and did not want to do laundry. I probably also worked did not feel like doing it either.

So we agreed to do it together, until I asked her to fold some of the clothes differently.

She was already upset and this put her over the top.

I ended up doing all the rest of the laundry.

Wife Rule #47 Revisit

If you are going to argue about something that you are both very passionate about, make sure you do not lose your head. Always know how far you can push the argument without hurting the other person.

I am not exactly sure what this argument was about, but I am fairly certain that it was about family stuff.

Loaded subject right?

There was a time that we would fight frequently about family issues that did not directly affect us but still was important.

My wife is very emotional, I am more very intellectual, so when it comes to fighting I have to be the one who has to stay in control of the situation so that things do not escalate to the point where one of us will say something that will seriously hurt the other.

It is a big responsibility, but at least one of you has to take responsibility for it. In our relationship, we both strive to. But when push comes to shove I have to swallow my anger and pride to make sure that neither of us gets hurt.

Wife Rule #46 Revisit

Always remember than in marriage you are part of a team. It is you and your wife against the world, and always make sure you have your wife's back.

This is good advice that I received during premarital counseling. I wish I would have listened.

On the day of this original post, my wife came home upset and instead of listening and sympathizing, I went into guy mode and offered a litany of suggestions on how to fix the problem and how she could have done things differently.

She, of course, felt devastated that I seemed to take the other side of the argument. All she wanted was support from me and instead of listening I made it seem like she was wrong.

Always support your wife. Always.

Wife Rule #45 Revisit

If you wife says that you can call her "my fatso wife" to make up for a slight that she said about you, DON'T DO IT! If you call her "my fatso wife" you will never hear the end of it.

My wife will occasionally poke fun at the fact that I have put on weight over the past few years while she has remained relatively the same shape and weight she was in college.

One day she joked about the subject a little too much and hurt my feelings. She immediately felt bad and tried to make it up to me by telling me how amazing and wonderful I am and offering me the chance to call her, "my fatso wife".

So I took it. Mistake.

Even with permission it is never right to call your wife a fatso. Especially when she is the most beautiful creature to ever grace God's green earth. I love you honey.

Wife Rule #44 Revisit

This one is similar to Wife Rule #23 but if your wife admits that you were right about something, don't try to get her to admit to being wrong.

I love it when my wife admits that I am right. I love that my wife will admit when I am right. But my wife hates admitting when she is wrong.

Which means I have to pester her to admit when she is wrong.

Which will often backfire on me.

I still love to do it though, so my advice is don't be like me. If she says you are right, don't make her say she was wrong

Wife Rule #43 Revisit

No sentence should ever begin, "now I know my wife's hair usually looks kinda funny but..."

This was a joke that did not go over well at all.

She had just woken up and her hair was in the elegant hydra style after sleeping on it all night.

Normally she does not mind my gentle jokes about her hair in the morning because she frequently jokes about it as well.

But she must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something.

I paid for this one, hence the rule

Wife Rule #42 Revisit

You should never read your wife's newest issue of Cosmo before she does, but if you must read it make sure she does not find out about it.

My wife used to get Cosmo. I thought it was a little silly, but I would read it so that when we wanted to talk to me about something that she read I would know what she was talking about.

At first, she would read them and then I would. Then when we started getting mail at the same address I started reading them before her because I got home first.

She didn't like this.

Sure it might have been because I would highlight stuff. (just kidding) But I don't think she liked when I would recommend certain articles and tell her not to bother reading others.

Wife Rule #129

Don't guest blog on your wife's blog without her permission.

I did not do this. Well, not really. My wife left her blog logged in and so I felt compelled to write a blog post.

I did not post it, I just left it as a draft for her to find. I made the post an ode to me entitled "Why my Husband is Amazing". She did not post it, but I kept a copy for your amusement. Enjoy!

Why My Husband is Amazing

Where do I begin?

Let's put aside for a second that he is SMOKING hot. He is so supportive. I spend hours and hours every week reading and working on blog posts, and even though he has to sacrifice that time with me, he still makes dinner, cleans the house, takes care of the dogs, and still has time and energy to work full time and rock my world.

He is witty, funny, and charming. I have to admit it, he is a total catch. I know that when people meet us they can't believe that I landed him.

If it were not for his constant encouragement and support there is no way I could have made working and blogging work like this. Mr. GreenBeanSexyMan is the reason why there is a GreenBeanTeenQueen.

I think about all of the movie and literary crushes that I have had over the years, and I find that all of them are hollow. I simply pity everyone who is not married to him in life as well as in literature.

He is my constant companion, my inspiration and motivation. He cares for me and accepts every part of me regardless of how I feel about it. He validates me as a person, and while I would never say that he completes me (because I felt like I was complete already) I will say that he is my perfect match in every way.

I am so glad that I found him. He is what turned me into what he calls a "Rockstar Librarian", otherwise I most likely would have become a crazy cat lady.

Wife Rule #41 Revisit

When you get bad news about your job it is perfectly acceptable for your wife to take the news harder than you do. Don't feel bad, you will get your time to be upset after you spend time helping her cope.

Yes not getting a job hurts, but it can hurt your wife more. It hurts her pride. It hurts her because she knows it hurts you.

That is all I can say about this one, there is more of a story but I cannot divulge it. Sorry

Wife Rule #40 Revisit

Nostalgia is a powerful thing. It is very unwise to mock a cherished childhood pastime, memory, or tv show.

So we got into a fight about the Muppets...yep

Then we got into a fight about the Musical Camp that she used to attend...ok so this was foolish

Then we got into a fight about a memory of her childhood, can't remember which one.

It was a rough night. Never mess with Nostalgia.

Wife Rule #39 Revisit

Sometimes a frozen burrito can solve all of your marital issues.

The day that I wrote this post was miserable. My wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs all day over nothing. It was one of those days when nothing we did was ever good enough and nothing we said was right.

I was so exasperated that I walked out and said that I would be back in an hour with dinner.

I came home an hour later to a still angry wife. But I cared a trump card. I had picked up dinner.

One of the things that we always fighting about is what to eat, and I had brought something that I knew she would like.

It was a frozen burrito, and my wife was stunned. The fight was over, and the rest of the night went wonderfully. A frozen burrito...try it.

Wife Rule #38 Revisit

Yes I know she thinks that the Betty Crocker "Fudge Cake in a box" looks good, but convince her you will make her a real cake instead.

My wife has many skills and talents, but very few of them lay within the confines of the kitchen. But every once in a while the desire to be a "good wife" and cook for me overwhelms her. When this happens she will go to the store and get something to make.

One day when she was in one of these moods she asked me what I wanted, and I replied that I would like cake. So off to the store she went.

She came home with Betty Crocker "Fudge Cake in a Box".

And despite how good the picture on the box looked, it was terrible. Just awful.

So was born a new husband rule: real cake please

Wife Rule #37 Revisit

Sometimes love can be something as simple as doing something that you hate to do, just so that you can be with that other person.

Oh this could be so many things. I don't remember what exactly I did when I first wrote this post, but here is a list of things it could be:

Folding Laundry

Going to Eat Mexican

Watching a Chick flick

Watching a Musical

Watching Project Runway

Turning off the football game

Watching Dancing with the Stars

Reading a Girly Teen Novel

There are many more possible options, and it is sometimes worth doing every one of them just to spend time with my wife.

Wife Rule #36 Revisit

The phrase, "are you ready to go to bed" is not a question. It is a statement that means, "go get ready for bed, because I want to go to sleep."

My wife is not normally passive-aggressive. She normally is very direct in what she wants. However when it comes to going to bed, she is subtle.

As the evening wears on she will ask me "are you ready for bed?"

Generally my answer is "in a bit dear..."

Well as the night goes on the asking becomes more frequent, and more insistent. The question slowly become a command.

Most nights she winds up going to bed in a huff before I am ready to, but there are times that when that question becomes a command that it is not worth ignoring. oh well, I was getting tired anyway.

Wife Rule #35 Revisit

Sometimes space is needed even within the marriage. Make sure you take time for your own interests.

I love spending time with my wife. I love doing things with my wife. I love doing things for my wife. But regardless of how much you love your wife you need to take time for your own interests.

My wife and I have a lot of similiar interests, but some of the things that I love the most she has no interest in. So I need to remind myself that I need to take time for myself and not always be so wife focused.

Wife Rule #34 Revisit

When your wife hands you her birthday money, don't spend it. Even if you spend it on things for her she will not be happy.

My wife got some money for her birthday and gave it to me to hold because I have a wallet and she for whatever reason did not have her purse with her.

So after about a week of holding this money, I decided to spend it on something that I knew not only that she wanted, but something that she told me she was going to spend her birthday money on.

So I proudly brought my purchase to her and received an angry glare instead of the smile that I had been expecting.

See my mistake was that not only had I deprived her of the joy of purchasing said item for herself, but I had deprived her of her birthday trip to one of her favor stores.

Wife Rule #33 Revisit

Cuddling can be done with the TV on and the TV off, but make sure before you to turn on the tv during cuddling that your wife thinks that it is "TV on" cuddling time.

My wife is a cuddler. I am as well but only on occasion. So sometimes when she wants to cuddle and I don't I will invite her in for a cuddle on the condition that we watch TV and cuddle. Sometimes we will be cuddling and I will get the vibe that turn the TV on will be ok, and most of the time I can read her right.

This time I didn't. I turned the TV on right before she was about to open a discussion of a long list of important matters.

Needless to say this did not go well for me. So please if you are going to turn on the TV just make sure your wife is on board before you do.

Wife Rule #32 Revisit

One you get married the world is divided into three types of people: your wife, "funny looking men you used to be attracted to" (aka women), and men. You are only allowed to hang out one on one with your wife and men...never "the funny looking men you used to be attracted to."

I am completely and totally loyal to my wife. But with that said I am not really much to hanging out one on one with other women.

I just think it is bad policy to spend your time hanging out with a woman who is not your wife.

This was hard for me as first because I have always had a large number of female friends, but I discovered that even though I was capable of hanging out with women I really preferred to only hang out with other women as a part of a group.

Wife Rule #31 Revisit

Anticipation is the key to happiness.

This was actually a piece of advice from my dad during our engagement period. He sat me down and said that while I did a good job of responding to my wife's needs in the moment, that I would find myself less frustrated and more in control of the situation if I would take more time to anticipate my wife's needs.

I have to say he is right. When I wrote this post originally I had a wonderful anticipation day. I had done the laundry, I had done the dishes, I had made dinner, I had set the table, I had even fixed the covers on her side of the bed.

Whenever she asked me to do anything all night, it was already done. She was so impressed that I got to spend the evening asking her to do things while I gamed and blogged. It was a happy night.

Wife Rule #30 Revisit

When your wife says "I have the target giftcard" she means: she has the target giftcard. When she says "you have the target giftcard" she means: you had better have the target giftcard. When she says "we have the target giftcard" she means: I think you have the target giftcard. Don't go shopping for 45 minutes and discover that neither of you has target giftcard.

We got some wonderful gifts for our wedding, but since no one get everything they want some of our friends and family gave us one of the most wonderful things ever invented giftcards.

In the weeks that followed we spent a lot of our cards that had lower amounts of money on them and we had saved the largest giftcard for a special trip to get something we really needed.

Well we shopped for 45 minutes and found exactly what we were looking for, but when we went to go buy it...no giftcard.

Needless to say there was much blaming of each other until I figured out her language. And so I pass that knowledge on to you, use it as a primer for all possession based conversation. I certainly do.

Wife Rule #29 Revisit

It's ok to buy something that you want...as long as you buy something of equal or greater value for your wife.

I am a bit of a gamer, and so when new video games that I am interested in come out I like to rush out and get them as soon as possible. When I posted Wife Rule #29, there was a new game coming out for Xbox360. Now my wife and I did not have a ton of money at the time and I knew that I couldn't just rush out and buy the game without hearing about how there are better things that I could be spending money on.

So I got her a game as well.

Now it doubled my cost, but I skipped being in trouble and made my wife happy.